A return to racing without being fit to race

Over six months since my last blog! The girls are 9 months old next week and looking after them is intense (they're crawling, standing, into everything and I can't take my eyes off them for a second!) but they're also very entertaining and although it's taken me a long time, I'm finally feeling happy, able to cope and I think we're all managing really well.

At the Olympic Stadium

We've been making the most of the summer with lots of outings - the Village Green festival, picnics, a Ferrari parade, Leeds Castle, visiting family and yesterday, we went to the Olympic Stadium to watch the IAAF World Championships - they absolutely loved it and we had a wonderful time!

Unless you follow me on twitter, you'd be forgiven for assuming that I had let my running fall by the wayside now I'm so busy with the girls, but I have been able to keep up a bit of training. I find it's been absolutely essential for my mental health and maintaining some sense of self, as well as genuinely enjoying getting out on the trails. I've not done as much as I'd like - time is so limited - but I've been getting out on average two or three times a week, usually between 4 to 6 miles, often in the woods with Chewie, or occasionally with the twins in our awesome running buggy, along the Southend seafront, where there's a wide flat promenade.

I'd hoped to be able to get out with them more, but with the weather hasn't helped, and timing is difficult as I need to have both girls ready to nap at the same time for us to go! I'm hoping this will be become less of an issue as they get older, because I have absolutely loved the runs we've had so far.

Anyway...on this very limited mileage, I've managed to take part in two local races, with Francis looking after the girls for a few hours.

In March, I ran (and walked) a half marathon at the Hockley Woods Trail Challenge - a very hilly and quite muddy race - in 2:50. I felt incredibly slow, and I found it such hard work, but I really enjoyed myself and loved being out in the woods, and am so proud to have got that distance done just four months after the girls were born. It was lovely to catch up with some friends there after so long out of the running scene!

In June, I went to the HARP 24 hour race, and gave myself six hours to run as many of the 4.2 laps as I could, hoping for at least a marathon distance finish. I was feeling relatively confident but once I started I realised how unfit I still was, and how very far away I was from my levels of pre-pregnancy endurance. By about 5 miles I was run/walking, and by about 8 miles my legs felt shot. 8 MILES!! I just kept thinking about how far I used to run comfortably...  There was another runner who was wearing his GUCR t-shirt from this year's race. Once I would have felt a camaraderie with him but I felt a bit of a fraud even being at the race, as he ran past me when I was going so slowly.

Looking at some of the photos from the day (other than the start line picture) I see how hard I'm finding it - the grimace on my face tells it all. But I was determined that I would not give up, and I would cover a good distance. I walked a lot, generally alone, and felt so absolutely shattered I was seriously considering going and lying down in a field for a nap. I was very miserable for much of the day, although it was an absolutely lovely course which looked beautiful on such a sunny day, and I wish I could have enjoyed it more. Through sheer bloody mindedness, I dragged myself through seven laps, completing 30 miles. I spent the last lap with Ian, a fellow ultra runner, who I've not seen for years, but chatting with him for those 45 minutes was brilliant. I ran more than I'd done for the whole day! Had I not seen Ian, I may well have left the race thinking I should just throw in the towel and give up on my attempt to reach my 100th marathon until the girls are older, but actually I came away reminded why I love running, and confident that I can keep going!

Thankfully, my DOMS were minimal and I didn't have any lasting problems as a result of the 30 miles, and I think my struggles during the race were as much as a result of my chronic lack of sleep, as my reduced fitness. Turns out 4 or 5 hours of sleep a night for months isn't the best preparation for ultra running! As the girls get older, and sleep better hopefully this will get easier...

So, now onto my next race - the self-navigation Darnley Challenge in 5 days time, which Francis bought me entry to as part of my birthday present, where I'm hoping to run two laps, completing the marathon distance. Francis is taking the day off work to look after the girls, and I really want to make the most of it! However, I'm still feeling incredibly unfit and overweight. I struggle to fit in any long runs, and haven't run further than 6 miles in 6 weeks since the 30 miler. It's not making me feel confident in the slightest, but the race has a limit of 8 hours (it took me 5hrs 30mins to run/walk 26.2miles at HARP) and so even if I walk more I should be ok, but there's an option to drop to a half marathon distance if I need to. That wont help my "Quest for the Vest"...but hopefully I can just enjoy my day out and come away feeling positive again!

Why I'm running and not sleeping

I had a great run yesterday, albeit on road not trail - nearly 6 miles at a pace of 9:51min/mile. I'm still nowhere near the level of fitness I had before my pregnancy, but I'm very proud of the distance and the pace. I didn't let myself walk the hills (well, inclines!) and am so pleased with my progress, just 10 weeks after our wonderful Eleanor and Florence were born.

I posted about my efforts on Facebook, and a friend's reply got me thinking about why I'm doing it. I'm so busy with the twins - it's absolutely non-stop when I'm with them - and sleep is very limited. Why, on the odd occasion that I can snatch an hour or two for myself while Francis or my mum are looking after the girls, am I spending this precious time running, instead of, say, sleeping!

This is what I replied to my friend:

"Running's always been so important for my mental health but I absolutely couldn't have coped without it since having the twins. It reduces my stress levels, I get all those endorphins, has given me time out of the house away from the babies' constant demands, and it's allowed me to establish that I'm still "me" despite now also being a mum. Over the years, through my running I've also made friends and become part of a brilliant community - I needed to run again so I can really feel that I'm still part of it. Oh, and then there's my inherent love of running stupidly long distances out in the countryside and I need to get fit enough to be able to do that again! I couldn't let having the girls take all of that away from me". 

I thought I'd share...

Returning to running after having the twins

People say having children is life changing. It's a massive understatement.

I struggled through the later stages of my pregnancy (as I was so enormous, uncomfortable and unable to walk more than a few meters at a time) but on Thursday, 10th November, after 15 hours in labour, I gave birth to our twin daughters - Eleanor Katharine Tilley and Florence Elizabeth Tilley.

Thankfully I managed to avoid a cesarean section, and Ella and Ren (that's how we're shortening the names) avoided all but the briefest of treatment in Special Care. We came home from hospital two days later and they're now nearly 7 weeks old and are doing incredibly well.

Those 7 weeks have been a mixture of emotions, but it's fair to say it's been really tough at times, and although it's also been wonderful too, I don't think anything could have prepared me for the impact of becoming a parent. Nothing I read came close to exposing the reality of it. My mum stayed with us for the first 10 days which was the only reason I think i managed to retain my sanity at the beginning, and Francis has been brilliant and is such a natural! We've totally shared the work, we've slept in shifts, and have now got to a stage where I'm relatively confident looking after the twins.

As hard as it is, sometimes it's absolutely lovely

I've had one particularly bad day that will stay in my mind and prompted my earlier than planned return to running. Ella and Ren were five weeks old and suffering with colds. The idea that I was now a parent was still sinking in and I still felt that I had no idea what I was doing. On this particular day there were tears - a lot of tears - and I don't think any of them were from the babies. I was still finding it overwhelming and to be honest, scary, looking after the twins on my own all day with Francis at work. I found trying to deal with the needs of both of them at the same time too much, and was also struck by the feeling of "Is this it now? Is this my life?" Looking after newborn twins comprises of crying (all of you), feeding them (not yourself), brief cuddling, changing nappies, changing clothes (theirs, not yours even though you may be covered in milk), lots of laundry. It's constant and although you know it isn't true, it feels like that's all there will ever be.

The following day my mum came to visit and I took the opportunity to get out of the house and to take Chewie for a walk. On a bit of a whim I wore clothes I might be able to run in...although didn't mention it to my mum. On arriving in the field at the start of the route I was taking, I decided I needed to try. I knew it was too early (you're meant wait for the 6 week post-natal check up) but I had recovered quickly from the birth, my stitches were healed, and the stress I was feeling was just too much. It'd been eight months since I last ran, and I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I needed to do it. And rather than thinking about it too much, I did.

My legs seemed to remember what to do. I remembered how to breathe. I didn't need to walk, and just carried on. Three miles later, I thought I should probably be sensible and stop. Absolutely elated, I walked back to the car.

It was brilliant! I certainly took it easy and I was very slow, averaging 11:57 along a pretty flat trail, but even so, I was surprised that I didn't find it as tough as I'd expected and seemed to have retained some level of fitness. I loved he sensation of being out there. I've been out for a few walks since 5 days after the birth, with the dog and the twins, gradually increasing the distance, and was happily walking for over an hour before the run, so didn't just do a 3 miler straight off the bat.

That first run was also a perfect reminder that just because I'm now a mum, there's no reason at all why I can't be a runner too. Possibly not an ultra runner for a while (as I doubt I'll be able to find the time to train) but I will definitely be able to get back to marathon fitness with the support that I have from Francis.

Christmas Day 

It also heralded a completely new, more relaxed approach to looking after the girls. I was no longer worried about having lost my identity, I felt less stressed and I'm not just trying to cope any more. I'm actually enjoying it now, although am aware that as Ella and Ren get older and their needs change and increase, there will be new challenges.

Yesterday, Boxing Day, I managed to get out for my second run. This time I did about 4 miles and it was so rewarding again! I'm just incredibly glad to be back.

I'm still an horrendous 26lbs heavier than I was before falling pregnant, and I'm conscious that it's going to take me ages to get back to proper fitness, but I'm just happy I can still run and that I've made a start. I'm confident that after the excesses of Christmas, and with regular runs in the New Year, I will start to drop the weight, and my fitness will improve.

With this in mind, I've also signed up for my first event of 2017!

The Hockley Woods Trail Challenge at the beginning of March. It's 5km laps, over 6 hours in my favourite local woods, and I can do as few laps as I like and still "count" as a finisher. Regardless of my fitness I wouldn't leave the twins for too long, but I'm hoping that I can do 15km. We shall see!

Life-changing times

It's been a strange few weeks...all rather unsettling, and I feel like I'm going through a bit of a personal crisis.

No, not being pregnant itself (I'm actually quite enjoying that, despite the various aches and pains and constant worry that's associated with it) but the ever increasing separation I feel from my life as a runner.

The last time I ran was nearly 10 weeks ago. Since then, I have manned check points at both the Thames Path 100 miler, and GUCR, and I absolutely loved both experiences. Both were overnight shifts in excess of 12 hours, and it was a privilege the help the runners as best I could, and to see some truly gritty performances as they battled through epic levels of pain to complete their goals. They were also great learning experiences as I had the chance the see lots of different race strategies and kit choices! However, I'm now too pregnant to be able to support at checkpoints - standing for long periods of time isn't really an option, and I get exhausted pretty easily. I would probably be more of a hindrance than a help.

So, although I'm still trying to remain active through walking, and I will soon be going for my first swim in my new maternity costume, I am starting to feel less and less like part of the community, as I no longer share the focus of training, recovery and commitment to the weekly mileage. I'm still following everyone's exploits on twitter and facebook, but I'm not seeing anyone in person at races, and I'm not finding myself as engaged as I was, feeling that I don't really have much to add to conversations about races, or kit, or injury... My focus is becoming more insular I suppose, as I start to prepare, emotionally and practically, for the arrive of our twins.

This scares me.

For the past 6 years I have defined myself as a runner. Running has changed me, for the better, in many ways, and the running community has been a wonderful support network and has enriched my life. I feel I have made true friends though my running, but that I am now starting to lose some of those connections, and some sense of myself. I know that inevitably I am going to become "mum" as well as "Naomi", but it's incredibly important to me that that the one doesn't cancel out the other.

I know in my heart that in the grand scheme of things, the next six or seven months will pass incredibly quickly, and I shouldn't wish this very special time away. I know that my children are going to become the most important thing in my life, and that my priorities are inevitably going to be very different once they are born. This is as it should be and I'm realistic enough to realise that 145 mile ultras may be out of the question for the foreseeable future, but marathon training is much easier to schedule.

I just hope that by the time I am physically capable of a return to training, I haven't lost the desire, and I haven't forgotten that I'm a runner as well as a mum.

I have more that I want to achieve...there's more that I know I can achieve.

I want to set a great example to my children.

I need to do all I can to be healthy...in mind as well as body.

Running will give me all of those things, and I have to make sure I don't allow myself to forget how life-changing it was the first time I became a runner.

Ultra runners in training

My first baby purchase, to go with our first pictures from my scan yesterday, at 13 weeks 3 days.

It's going to be at least a year until our twins are big enough to wear these babygrows...but I just couldn't resist.

Many thanks to Centurion Running!!