A really big ask at GUCR

Back in June, I got the train up to Birmingham, with the plan to run all the way back to London, taking part in the Grand Union Canal Race. Yes, despite not having run anything longer than 45 miles since  GUCR last time in 2015, and having had three children in the intervening years, I decided that my return to long distance races would be a repeat performance. Not only that, but I would do it uncrewed, and with no buddy runners. Well, it seemed to work last time...

But I knew it was a really big ask. 

Training for an event like GUCR is tough for everyone. Doing it with three young children, an injured dog (Chewie had two leg surgeries in the spring) and a full time job, is even harder. I had a great race at St Peter's Way in February, but finding the time to fit in my running around my life had been nigh on impossible and I missed so many of my planned runs. I also didn't manage to lose any of the weight I had hoped to either, and come race weekend was still definitely on the obese side of the scale, at nearly 200lbs (that's 14 stone) on my 5'5'' frame - which obviously makes running much harder!! 

So, I arrived the night before feeling pretty unprepared and a bit of a fraud. Nevertheless, I headed down to registration at Gas Street Basin, picked up my number, and saw friends I hadn't seen in, literally, years. Being there, with the buzz of race prep, I started to feel that whatever the little voice in the back of my mind was telling me, I did actually belong here with these people, it felt like I'd returned to my tribe, even if they were all slimmer and fitter than me. Although I might not look the part, I'd completed GUCR once before, and I started to believe it would be possible to do it again - with brand new trainers (after my trainers had literally ripped apart a couple of days before) and a lack of any real idea of what I was capable of, I was hugely looking forward to the journey down the canal to Little Venice.

Sadly...I didn't get the fairy tale ending. 

All started well, but I missed a turning early on, only adding a mile or so, but it threw me, then needed an early toilet stop, and I spent the rest of the race obsessing about my pace and mileage. I made good progress though, and despite a bit of an ongoing issue with a dodgy tummy, I was doing ok, and remembered just how much I love running ultras. The scenery was as fabulous as I'd expected, and seeing friends along the course, both those cheering me on, supporting at CPs and running, was just so wonderful. I have missed everyone, and it reminded me how much I love the community. 

I ran 45 miles in 9:32 which was pretty much where I wanted to be, and after various detours eventually got to 100 miles on my watch, in just under 25 hours. Not the sub 24 I'd been hoping for, with my "best scenario" race plan, but still good enough for my more realistic plan, and as by now my feet had started blistering, I was still happy with how I was going. 

Unfortunately, I started to walk more and more from here on in and really struggled to maintain momentum. I was thinking about getting home for the children, worrying about being out longer than I'd planned, my feet were blistered and agony, I was tired, not eating enough, and as the miles went on I think I gave up a bit, and started to tell myself there was no way I was going to finish within the cut offs, especially with my blisters getting worse. 

I essentially talked myself out of it, convinced that my pace was probably too slow to even get a finish, and miserable that I was just walking when my forte has always been finishing well and running through out every race I've done. It wasn't the race I wanted, I wasn't enjoying myself in any way at that stage,  and so as I was heading towards the checkpoint at 120 miles, I decided to give it up as a bad job. When I got to the CP, with just about 126 miles on my watch, I told them I was DNFing.

My first DNF in an ultra, and only my second ever in a race. 

I've had months now to think about the weekend and my decision, and I absolutely know, in my heart, that I could have finished, and I should have carried on. With all the justification in the world of my feet hurting (did they really hurt that much?!), I was only walking, might have missed the cut offs etc etc, I should have regrouped at the checkpoint where I dropped out, got changed, dressed my feet, refuelled, and carried on. After I'd been at the checkpoint for a while, I knew that too. However, by that time, I'd already phoned Francis to come and pick me up, and think in all honesty I was just being stubborn. I'd made the decision, even though it was the wrong one. A real shame. Getting so far and then not finishing is very disappointing but I just didn't have the mental strength to get the job done.

That DNF has affected me these last few months. I have barely done any running at all, I've stopped coaching, and put on even more weight. I just haven't been able to find the motivation at all. Totally lost the love...

However, I feel I'm coming out the other side of that now, and have booked myself a full calendar of events to try and keep me engaged and motivated as I return to structured training. I know I love running, I love ultras, and I don't want to lose this part of me that has been so important for so long. 

Patella tendinosis and the Delham Kiln Marathon

Back in March, I developed some really significant pain in my knees - typically, I carried on running on them, until I got to the stage where I could barely get around the block and I was in pain everyday. It was so frustrating, as I'd been having coaching from Lindley Chambers, at Challenge Running since October, my fitness and pace had been improving well, I was really pleased with my progress - but the time came where I realised I just had to stop, rest and get some help. 

I saw the physio, and got my diagnosis - in both knees, the cartilage was degrading behind my kneecap and the tendon degrading in the front - patella tendinosis. The cartilage issue wasn't causing the pain though, it was the tendons. 

The physio was confident I could get back to running pain free, and although I did still take part in a marathon a couple of weeks after first seeing him (which was a LOT of walking, finishing in 6:10) I then started a recovery programme. Exercises, lots of rest, collagen supplements, more rest, more exercises. 

Fast forward 6 months. 

I started coaching with the legendary Mimi Anderson, who has been gradually helping me build back some base fitness after the time out I needed for my knees, and helping me through a block of training to prepare me for the virtual London marathon, that I planned to run at Suffolk Running Centre's Delham Kiln marathon. Mimi convinced me to cancel all my other race plans, and just aim for this one. 

Yesterday, I ran it. 

 

In the wider scheme of things, it wasn't that fast - my race result for Delham Kiln is 5:14 (and a couple of minutes longer for London as the app didn't think I'd quite run far enough and I had to go back out). However, it's the fastest marathon I've run since Windermere back in May 2018 and i'm really pleased! At one point, about 19 miles, I really thought I might manage an even split and come in under 5 hours, but it wasn't to be! Also, my knees, although still always in my mind and occasionally twinging, were essentially fine, and didn't cause me any issues. So, overall, it was a very successful day out. 

It's a really lovely course - 2 laps of mostly road, but with a short section through the woods along some very slippery mud, and it's hilly - but in the best way. Long winding downhills, along with some sharp, steep climbs. I couldn't run up those bits and had to walk, but the downhills were perfect. I had the virtual London app playing, with the recorded cheering every few miles, but my run couldn't have been more different to "THE" marathon. Not one supporter out on the quiet little Suffolk lanes (except for the RDs vehicle driving past checking on us), CPs were a water container on a lonely table every 6 miles, and I spent 90% of the run on my own, although the loop ended at the start/finish so there was some cheering as I arrived there. 

Thoroughly enjoyed myself though, although very frustratingly I had left my packed race vest at home (sat by the front door, waiting to be collected) which had my water bottles and all my snacks in. It meant that I had to run carrying a large bike water bottle that I'd found in the car, and I didn't have any food with me - I definitely started to notice the lack of nutrition in the last few miles and even got a bit lightheaded. A lesson learned in organisation I guess, but it doesn't beat the time I went to a marathon and forgot my trainers! 

I'm always going to have to manage my knees, particularly with the cartilage problems that are still to really appear, but for now at least, it seems I can start seriously planning for a return to ultras.

Realising that just because i'm a mum, i'm still me

It's funny how "inspiration" works.

I've been really struggling recently, with so much, unable to work out what was wrong or how to pull myself out of the funk that I've found myself in for months, well, years.

Last night I watched coverage of the @VendeeGlobeENG a round the world sailing race which is currently underway.  I watched these intrepid sailors, taking on this enormous challenge, in their huge boats out in the storms, and racing across the ocean. I saw their emotions - the pride, the excitement, the reality of failure, the exuberance of achieving success against the odds. 

It made me feel really emotional - not on the same scale of course, but I remembered that I used to set myself seemingly ridiculous goals that I could never have thought possible, and then just worked out how to achieve them. I used to have those sort of emotions about things I was doing.

I realised something.

I am not made for sitting on the sofa being miserable, feeling sorry for myself, binge eating on biscuits I don't even like, and lamenting days past, before children changed my priorities. Just because I'm a busy mum, I still need a big challenge in my life to keep me moving forward, to keep me happy.

I first started running in 2007 when I was 25, coming from no exercise at all - my only hobbies were drinking and clubbing. I had a goal of a marathon. It was a big goal for me, a really big goal! I achieved it the following year in 2008, but then I realised I needed to try and do it again, only better. And then again, and again. 

I got my marathon PB in 2012, and then started running ultras, with my first 50 miler as a celebration for my 30th birthday. I thought about the 10in10, completed it in 2013, then a 100 miler, done in 2014, then GUCR in 2015. I was all ready to run Viking Way in 2016 but that didn't happen because I fell pregnant. Then I pretty much stopped running, and although I've kept things ticking over with a few races over the last few years, falling pregnant again in 2018 meant that I never got back to fitness. However, I then met my longest held goal in August 2019, full membership of the 100 Marathon Club - getting that coveted shirt! DONE!

But then what? I just set myself some "repeat" goals - GUCR again, more marathons, more ultras, get back to being fit, get back to my PB, get back, get back, get back. Everything over the last 4 years has been about trying to relive my past, rediscover the "me" before children. All the while, not really running, binge eating, feeling miserable and depressed. 

Now, I know I can't spend three months sailing round the world - I suffer from terrible sea sickness and I have three small children who need me - but once upon a time I did seriously think about taking part in a Pacific ocean row in a boat of four! I used to really believe I could do anything. I think the reason I've been so very miserable is because I totally forgot who I am (not who I was...but who I still am). 

I need a goal, and bigger than just keeping mind, body and soul together at home and at work. Looking after my kids, working full time etc...it's exhausting and time consuming, and really hard, but that doesn't mean I should limit myself to that being it. I think that believing this is all there is now, is what is making me miserable.

So, a new goal? What could I set my sights on? I have to be realistic - for instance, maybe an Ironman would fit the bill perfectly, but I don't think I have enough time available to train across three sports 

I don't know, but it's got to be something different to scare me, to excite me, to make me wonder if I can really achieve it, and to really feel that I'm heading for something special. I'm 40 in 2022 - maybe I should do something to celebrate. So what am I going to aim for? 

I feel so much better for finally coming to this conclusion. I am still the person that I was before children. It sounds so obvious, but for me it's a bit of a revelation. I can still achieve new things, I just need to be a bit more organised and dedicated to fitting everything in. 

Now comes the time for some serious event searching - if I'm going to be the best mum I can be for the children, I also need to make sure I can be me. 

     

Virtual London and the real life Clover marathon

I ran a marathon yesterday (no.106) but my first "official" 26.2 event since August 2019! I have run an ultra in the year in between, at the brilliant Country to Capital back in January, and have also taken part in a couple of virtual events during lockdown with Centurion which I really enjoyed, as well as two 20 mile races so I haven't been totally away from things...but this was the first in person, real life MARATHON. 

I had signed up for the virtual London Marathon (an unexpected chance to be involved in my 5th London, even in these very strange covid circumstances, and originally to help a friend do the virtual event) but when that plan fell though, and as events had started again, I decided to find a real event on the same day. I love the courses that the Sussex Running Centre devise, whether they're trail or road they're always lovely (and hilly!) and so was really pleased to find they were putting on an event over both days of the weekend.

So, at 6am on Sunday morning, I found myself rushing out of the door to drive the 90 minutes up to SRC to run their Clover Marathon, a single lap road course. The weather was diabolic. SO MUCH RAIN as I drove along...but I saw a couple of people out in the streets who had started their virtual London marathons and it lifted my spirits a bit.

Once I arrived (with about 2 minutes to go as usual) there was a covid-safe set up and a staggered start, and all of a sudden off we went, with the London app tracking me, and my garmin as a back up. 

It was still raining, a lot. 

Within a mile I was starting to hurt and feeling so stupid for not having done any proper training, and for having allowed myself to have got quite as fat as I have. I'm nearly 4 stone heavier than I'd like to be, and it makes running so much harder, trying to drag the extra weight around! But, I was there, I had miles to go, so I just had to get on with it. 

So, it was appalling weather, with puddles everywhere, and along the few main roads we were on, the risk of getting splashed by passing cars. Soaked through. But, it was really well signed, generally on quieter country lanes through some of the prettiest villages (with the biggest houses!) and it was just a case of getting my head down, and ticking off the miles. The London app came with cheering every mile, and I had either Paula Radcliffe or Steve Cram in my headphones giving me encouragement and advice. I though it was really annoying to start with, but as the time wore on, I actually looked forward to them appearing each mile. Made me laugh when at 21 miles Paula Radcliffe said it was important to keep fuelling, and suggested we should have a gel or some jelly babies - I'd just polished off a flapjack. Guess I'll always be more of an ultra runner than a marathon runner! 

I saw very few people during the race, as with the staggered starts, there just wasn't much cross over at all and it was pretty much like doing a solo run. Even the checkpoints, where usually you'd have marshals, someone crossing your name off a list, filling your bottles and providing lots of food, were now reduced in the Covid world to an unmanned table, and a tank a water to fill your bottle every 6 miles or so. 

The weather was still awful. 

The course was pretty hilly and I walked a lot, but before I started, in my mind I knew I'd be happy with a sub 5:30 run - with very little training, and all the weight I'm carrying, that seemed reasonable. The last few miles seemed to take absolutely forever though, and when I ended up running down a muddy, slip sliding track in my road shoes, I was a little worried I'd gone the wrong way, and that I'd miss my target. However, it was a very brief section, and my goal pace had been pretty much spot on the whole way round, so I ended up finishing in 5:24. Happy days! 

Drenched, aching, but pleased with myself - I collected my medal (no one can hang it round your neck anymore) and discovered loads of welcome snacks in the race goody bag. I'd enjoyed being out in the countryside for all that time, away from the chaos of home - just such a shame it hadn't been a bit dryer! But all in all a positive day and it was lovely seeing more London runners on my way home, who I beeped and cheered out of the car window. 

I'm hopeful though that my experience yesterday is the wake up call I need. I love marathon and ultra running...but when you're fat and unfit it is much less fun and much harder than it needs to be. I really have to start training more consistently and try and get back to some sort of normal weight! 

So, my London finish times now read: 

2008 - 5:00

2009 - 5:41

2010 - 4:55

2013 - 4:06

2020 - 5:24

Three under three and that coveted shirt

I can't believe it's been so long since I last posted -it's just been such an incredibly busy time. Our wonderful son, Alexander, was born in February 2019, and he's the loveliest baby. Happy, smiley and sociable - I feel very lucky. Looking after him, and our fabulous twins, leaves me with my hands full though, and there's not been much time for running and certainly not much time for blogging!

Three children under three is a challenge especially as we have problems with their sleep, and so I frequently get just three or four very broken hours a night, leaving me pretty exhausted.


However, I've been able to fit a few miles in now and then, and since Xander was born 8 months ago, I've run the Southend half marathon, two marathons and the Stour Valley Path 50km.

I've loved taking part in all of those events, but was particularly pleased to take part in the Saxons, Vikings & Normans marathon which was my official 100th, earning me full membership of the 100 Marathon Club so I'm now entitled to wear full club colours and am the very proud owner of the coveted 100 Marathon Club shirt.

It was a really great day and it was very special to be presented with my shirt by Traviss Wilcox who has been a mainstay of my running journey since I met him at my first ultra in 2012. I'm so proud of my achievement - I sometimes thought I'd never get there - and am so happy to be part of the club. The only sadness is that the 100 Marathon Club isn't, for me, what it was a few years ago, where I seemed to know so many more people and really felt part of things. There have been a lot of "politics" and people have fallen out, and it's all been a bit unpleasant, added to the fact that I've really not been part of the regular running scene for a few years, but I'm hopeful that things will be improve and I can really enjoy wearing the shirt and the recognition it will bring from other club members at races.