Inspiring post about depression & running from Charlie Dark

What follows below is an amazing blog post from Charlie Dark, a musician (and runner) I follow on twitter (his twitter ID is @daddydark) which I thought deserved sharing in it's entirety, about running, depression, and what it all means for him.

http://schoolofdark.tumblr.com/post/2618387244/ran-like-a-cheetah-with-thoughts-of-an-assassin

"Yesterday saw the first RUNDem Crew gathering of the new year and a return to our new home from home the mysterious Mile End Stadium.  Situated about two to three miles east of the Nike 1948 sport it's a track in the middle of a park in the arse end of East London but it rocks and is most definitely one of London's best kept secrets.  This post however is not about the track or Run Dem Crew or any of the usual stuff that preoccupies my time these days.  It is however running related so if you find that boring then come back next week when normal random service resumes.

There have not been many bright moments in my life over the past decade and anyone who really knows me well outside of talking to me on twitter, dancing to a record I made or played or listened to my poems will know that I suffer from depression and have done for the best part of my life. I keep it well hidden but it manifests itself in weird ways and has a tendency to rear it’s head at strange and often inappropriate moments. On paper my life is pretty sorted with all of the trappings that come with hard work, passion and a thirst for keeping things moving. I’m lucky and consistently thank the spirits above for keeping me safe in this minefield we call life but as rapper Nas once remarked on the classic banger Whose World Is This ‘I need a new N*gga for this black cloud to follow because while it’s over me it’s too dark to see tomorrow’

My initial reason for taking up running was to improve my cardio and loose a few pounds before embarking on a national tour with my one man show ‘Have Box Will Travel’. Seeing as I was playing about twenty different characters and being directed by the ever energetic Benji Reid I needed something to ensure I was going to survive a year of hour long shows with mucho jumping about and physicality. Football meant the organising of flaky friends and I had no cash for the gym so running it was. What I never expected to find was the mental side of running and as a man who has never liked taking medication I was more than happy to swop the ‘happy pills’ for a more holistic approach to depression management. The buzz of being outside in the open air devoid of mobile phone and any responsibilities was a blessing I shall never forget. But then the running became a job and with the success of the Run Dem Crew suddenly this private thing that I used as a way of escaping the world suddenly brought it’s own pressures. In a nutshell back to square one but this time stubbornly refusing to seek help or go back on medication again. I just don’t like the thought of taking a pill and waiting for my mood to lighten knowing that to work it’s magic it’s playing camera tricks with my brain. 

In 2010 I met four people who I can safely say changed my life around for the better and helped me chase away a particularly large dark cloud that had been following me around for the best part of the year. They know who they are so need no mentions here but despite their love, advice and encouragement the final part of the jigsaw was still not falling into place. Deep down I still felt slightly empty with a big hole where my heart should have been.

When you get to my age and position it’s difficult to find anyone willing to share your woes with. In general people just think you are moaning or ungrateful for the cards you have been dealt and it can be a lonely world dealing with the demons all by yourself. So I run for the endorphin rush that chases the clouds away and when that doesnt work I run harder.

In the tail end of last year I signed up to run the London Marathon and set myself some new targets of a PB of 3.45 and a sub 1.45 half marathon. In order to achieve these times it dawned on me that I ‘d need to really buckle down to training and completely overhaul my approach to food and what I put into my body. I’d never thought of my body as a machine before but through research I’ve concluded that everything I put into my body will have an effect on how I run on the day of the marathon therefore it’s time to fix up and start eating properly.

Food and my body have always had a perculiar relationship, as a child I was mad skinny and the butt of many a joke and even my family were on my case about my lack of weight. Once I left home I just started eating nonsense in a bid to put on weight and believe me it worked it a big way. I was never crazy overweight but I was definitely carrying a little hand bag around my middle.

Anyway enough of the back in the day stories, with a new year dawning many people are making resolutions to hit the park and get fit . Being three years ahead of the pack my fitness is already there so the question is what next. The whole diet and intensive training schedule has been freaking people out with regular questioning of why I’ve got so hardcore of recent on the running. The answer is a simple why not? I just want to know how fast I can go with the correct preparation. Contrary to popular belief I am not obsessed or losing my mind.  Instead running has replaced a whole heap of other forms of expression for me. I used to live for the DJ moment, loved making beats in the studio and collecting sneakers like a millipede. I figured that if I could rock a crowd with a mic or a turntable then I could be a someone but somewhere along the line it just didn’t seem as important to me anymore.

Running is the only thing I have in my life that I am in control of. I am no longer at the mercy of how good the records are that I play or how a poem is received . If I have a bad run it’s because I didn’t prepare myself appropriately but if I have a great run I know it’s because I gave it my all and really pushed myself to cross the finish line. On Tuesday evening I ran with Run Dem Crew and ran the best run of my life, 7 miles dead with a target pace of sub 7 and a half minute miles which is exactly what I have been training to achieve. Indeed the best legal high I have ever experienced and a far safer option than being described ‘Happy pills’ by the doctor. For the first time in a long while I felt free and unburdened by pressure. I wasn’t running away from life but running towards my future with a smile on my face and chasing upside down rainbows. All in all a great start to the year and a definite highlight for the targets ahead.

To be honest I’ve got no idea why I’m telling you this but I just felt it was something to be shared. So if you want to know why I run I’ll simply say this.

I run for the challenge

To remind myself that I am not immortal

For the moment of indecision when you body wills you to stop and your mind wonders if it can carry on

I run for those who will never be free

I’m not running from my past I’m running towards a future where the black clouds can’t follow

But most of all I’m running for me

Over and Out Charlie Dark"

I can't accept that I'm ill

It's been coming for a few days now, but this morning I woke up to find my body was trying to tell me that I'm ill.  I ignored it, and went for a run anyway, and actually got on pretty well.  I got up to a decent pace, stopped sneezing for the duration, although my nose was still streaming, but as I'm perfectly capable of breathing through my mouth I got on ok ;)

A couple of hours later though, I'm starting to feel really quite awful.  This is not good!

After a lazy Christmas, I just can not afford to have any more time off from training.  I'm sensible enough to know that if the virus or whatever it is i've got moves to my lungs then I have to have a break, but unless it gets to that, I have to just keep going and make sure every session counts in case I do get really ill. I had bronchitis a month before my last marathon attempt and sure that's partially to blame for my terrible time.  I do hope it doesn't happen again - the London marathon is in 100 days!

Need a treadmill?

I'm selling my Weslo Cadence M5 electric, fold-up treadmill on ebay. I haven't used it for a year because I'd rather run outside but it works well and would be a bargain if you like the comfort of running inside while you watch the TV.  It's collection only from Billericay, UK and the auction ends on 9th January at 17:20 GMT.

Click here to see my auction listing on ebay

Do the gadgets really make me a better runner?

Until this summer,  I didn't have a GPS watch and quite literally just ran a certain distance and then ran home again when I was training for my first two marathons.  It was all a bit haphazard, and although I did the tiniest bit of fartlek, 'cause I've always quite enjoyed that, the benefits of interval training, tempo runs, and making such my long run was at the right pace were all an absolute mystery to me.

However, this summer, I bought myself a Garmin 405 on the recommendation from a fellow runner from Twitter.  I fell in love.  I'm sure this little gadget improved my running pretty much overnight and in the races that I have done, I think I owe my improved times (in part) to having that constant reminder that I'm not going fast enough.  My problem, you see, is that I'm very lazy, and so easily slow down to a jog without really realising that my pace has evaporated - with my watch on, I keep an eye on my pace, and manage my runs much more effectively.  Added to that of course is the very convenient distance tracker, and being able to study your run when you get home again, but that, for me, is an incidental bonus.

On my first three runs of this year though, I have run without my watch.  I wanted to ease back into my running after I (almost accidentally) took a couple of weeks off over Christmas, and so thought I'd just get out there and run.  No iPod either which I pretty much always take out with me too. Just me...

But now I'm a bit confused.

My Garmin is frustrating as well as amazing.  I have to keep recharging the battery pretty much every evening.  I have to take my gloves off to operate the touch sensitive bezel.  I have to keep looking at my wrist every two minutes when I'm wearing it to check my pace and it keeps me, if not 100%, then 90% focussed on the task in hand.

This morning on my run something happened that I've not experienced before.  I was running up a pretty challenging hill, that usually causes me to take a rest at the top, in a dilapidated bus shelter that's very conveniently placed.  As I got near to the top and could see the shelter, I was thinking, as I usually do:
"....keep going, just a couple of hundred yards, and I'll be done...just a minute more...keep going, it's not that painful, just up to the top...keep going, and then I can stop.  Keep going, and then you can stop....."

And on I ran.  Then I started thinking of something else, and my mind wandered.  I was thinking about work and completely forgot what I was doing -  when I came to again...I was half way down the other side of the hill! I didn't need to stop after all, despite the fact that pretty much every time I run this route, I think I absolutely couldn't put another step further without a rest.

So, without the running aids, and the constant focus on the run itself, I actually became unaware of the pain and the effort - I think I should start running a bit more often without the gadgets.  That must just be what I need to keep going!

Back to proper training

Well we're four days into the new year, and I'm back on the wagon and in the right frame of mind for training, as well as back to work for the first time since 23rd December.

I'll admit the alarm going off at 5.30am this morning was a bit of a shock to the system, and getting out of bed was a mammoth effort...and going out in the cold and dark for my run wasn't that much fun....but I am pleased  to have completed my second run of the year, albeit not as quickly as I would have run before Christmas...and feel that the cobwebs have been blown away.  I have stiffened up a lot over the last couple of weeks though, and this morning I could barely touch my toes!

We recently got a yoga programme for our Wii and I think that it might be worth giving it ago - I've always been pretty sceptical about doing yoga or pilates, but think that if I'm really going to change my body shape (be able to touch the floor with the palms of my hands and protect myself from injury) it's worth giving it a try and think when I get home I'm going to do just that - before you know it, I'll be able to get my feet behind my head too! ;)

Anyhoo, after four weeks of carb, fat, sugar and alcohol overload, I'm looking forward to drinking lots of water today, having a salad for lunch, yoga this evening and running again tomorrow.  Just over 100 days until the marathon!